Backup Plans, Check-in Calls, and Other Things I Hate About The Dating Game

I’ve grown to hate dating.

Well not the actual “date” part of it. Dates are still great, provided the other person isn’t wack & has some home training. But “dating”, the process of it, I’m so over it.

I’ve done this thing since I was 15 & frankly, I’m frustrated & annoyed. Mostly with the crap that the opposite sex likes to pull.

Let’s start with what I like to call, the check-in. This is when a guy calls you on a regular interval (generally 3-6 months) just to “catch up”, which really means “I’m trying to see if I can still get in”. Normally ex’s like to pull this move, but I’ve also had guy friends acquaintances pull this move on me as well.

When an ex pulls a check-in, its easy to avoid, because you already know what he’s trying to do. It’s easy to avoid answering the phone or giving him any info. But when you get hit by the check-in with a guy you haven’t actually dated, it becomes a bit trickier. It comes off as a casual “Oh I just wanted to see how you were doing” type conversation, but really it’s a recon mission. You get sucked in by the casualness of the convo & you start spilling info about what’s going on in your life, and he’s just sucking it all up for all its worth, and filing it in his mental Rolodex, to be used later. Depending on the info he gets & what stage he’s in, he’s gonna then lead into what I call setting up the backup plan.

So what’s the backup plan? That’s where a guy starts putting out feelers to multiple women about the prospect of a FwB relationship. It’s like how some fisherman will use multiple fishing poles to maximize their chances of catching a fish. Generally this is done with women who aren’t in his local area – putting out too many lines in the same small pond will get you caught up. With the backup plan, guys typically pull that “oh I really dig you, I think you’re awesome, I’m trying to put my bid in, blah blah blah” type move. But its all words because nothing actually happens – no visits are planned, no tickets are bought, you don’t even get a phone call regularly to support all this supposed interest he has in you. It’s strictly lipservice, done so that should he need to actually put in work one day, he can point to the fact that “he’s always liked you, blah blah blah”.  And if you aren’t his lucky chosen one, you’ll know…generally through information gleaned from Facebook relationship status updates & wall posts.

Can you tell that I’ve been hit with this more than once? Man…I could write a book on exactly how this thing goes.

What annoys me most about the check-in and the backup plan is the insincerity of it all. We both know what’s going on – he’s trying to gauge how many women would entertain his advances, and from that he’s gonna evaluate & decide which one to pursue. I get it, its a number thing. But I’m not just a number – I’m awesome dammit! And after the second or third time of being hit with insincere bids, it gets old. Don’t tell me that you’ve been “waiting” for me & whatnot, and then two months later have a FB wall full of “I love you baby!” messages from the chick you decided to pursue instead of me.

Even with local men, dating has become such a complicated dance…its like being on the dance floor & not knowing the latest hustle. The song & dance of who is gonna ask for the #, who is gonna give the #, when to use it, how often to use it, what to say, whether to call or text – all of it is just exhausting!

I feel like Charlotte York right about now…

  • Anonymous

    Hey Jubi! Loved this post, it’s so true and pretty much describes what I’ve experienced as well. It’s all such a game, and these days I sometimes just don’t want to play. And it’s amazing how the game doesn’t change. The only difference is now I’m older and can spot the bullshit quicker.!!!

  • Reecie

    I’ve done the backup plan before myself. *hangs head* I hate the check in thing though. I’m having a good time dating at the moment but it def goes in waves. hang in there! 

    • Anonymous

      I’m hanging…by a thread tho LOL

  • i’ve done both the check in thing and the backup plan. it happens. *shrug*

    • Anonymous

      So what were your motivations for both the check-in & the backup plan? Did you ever have to use your backup plan?

  • Andrew

    In the game of dating its up to the players to decided what moves to take and what moves to counter with.  What you have written tells me you are winning at the game.  Just keep playing your part and eventually you will find someone who plays fair….

  • Kai

    lol I love that SATC clip. I soooo feel the same as Charlotte. I just don’t wanna date. It’s definitely a game and I’ve thrown in the towel. I’ll save it for the ones that win

  • I must say, it’s refreshing to read this from a woman’s point of view.  Great post!


  • Have never experienced this, but I still hate dating. I want it to be as easy as others seem to make it.