Dating And The Friend Factor

Last week I had three dates with a new guy #yay. The new guy, the musician, is a lot of fun & so far I dig him. Our first date was Tuesday and we met up for dinner & drinks. We had a great time so we decided to get together on Thursday night for bowling & beer. Friday night was drinks & a movie. All great times. The musician is very sweet, a complete gentleman & a lot of fun. So far I like him.

During the Friday date, I made a passing remark about my friend DN, and discovered that the musician & DN used to talk a few years ago. My first thought was “interesting…”. As luck would have it, DN hit me up the next day to join her to watch a game at the sportsbar & I agreed so I could get her thoughts on the dating situation.

I know a lot of women subscribe to the idea that if a guy even looks in her friends direction, he’s off-limits. Yeah….#no. Of course some men are off-limits, like ex-hubbys, ex-fiances, even ex-boyfriends depending on how serious the relationship was. But guys that casually dated a friend are totally in play in my world, especially if there wasn’t any sexually contact. I recognize that I might be in the minority in that viewpoint, so I asked DN how she felt about me dating a guy she dated casually a few years ago. She gave me her assurance that it wasn’t a problem, and for everyone’s sake I hope she was being truthful because I don’t do drama.

Living in Minnesota, the circle of Blacks is pretty small, so its inevitable that you’ll run into someone who a friend or acquaintance has dealt with in the past. It’s about two degrees of separation up here, instead of six. These things happen – and they happen in the larger world. I’m always amazed at how many people I know, know each other, and I even remarked on Twitter how small the world is. Seems like I know every Black college educated person that graduated in the last 5-10 years, especially if they are Greek. So with everyone knowing each other & being connected somehow, its only logical that at some point you’re going to date someone who dated a friend right? Unless of course you deem all of them off-limits, which would eliminate a huge part of the available dating pool. I’m not willing to handicap myself like that #imjustsaying.

What are your thoughts about dating someone who dated your friend? Are they all off-limits or does it depend on the relationship? Have you ever had a problem with a friend dating your ex or vice versa? Am I wrong for dating a guy my friend used to date?

  • In your case, it is totally and absolutely OKAY!!!! But not when you’ve known beforehand that he was an ex of your friend, and he was the one who severed the relationship, an worse, she still likes him. That would be awkward

  • “a lot of women subscribe to the idea that if a guy even looks in her friends direction, he’s off-limits. Yeah….#no. Of course some men are off-limits, like ex-hubbys, ex-fiances, even ex-boyfriends depending on how serious the relationship was. But guys that casually dated a friend are totally in play in my world, especially if there wasn’t any sexually contact.”

    How very realistic of you. And given the circumstances…no, you’re not wrong.

    This pretty much falls in line with my feelings: ex-wives, ex-fiancées & ex-girlfriends (depending on how serious the relationship was) are off-limits. And even then, some situations are allowable if I talk to said friend about it and he gives me his blessing.

    Outside of that, it’s fair game. I just talk to him about it, rather than blind-siding him with it.

  • it depends. i’ve had a friend (or what i thought was a friend) date my ex. this is an ex whom i was with for 2+ years. not even a courtesy phone call was made. then again i’ve had a friend date a woman i used to “talk to” and everything worked out. she was better for him than she was for me and i had to quarrels with the situation.

    i really guess it all depends on the level of said relationship and the level of friendship you guys have.

  • long term folks are off limits, so I’d say if they dated exclusively a yr or more. Just casual dating/no sex isn’t IMO for people my friends dated. For associates, its fair game but I’d still give a heads up if its someone in my immediate circle–I’d be considerate to make sure things aren’t awkward when folks are around each other. I’d expect the same treatment.

  • SinnerX

    Be honest that you are gonna date them and move forward. You never know who Mr. or Mrs. Right is gonna be.

  • it depends on the relationship and how long ago they dated…because if you are true friends or close friends I should say then most likely you were around when they were dating so you know the ins and outs of the relationship….and probably wouldn’t want to date that person right behind your friend knowing what type of boyfriend they are/were…so…I don’t think that would really be an issue if the “relationship” was as casual as “jerry who? oh girl, him? yea please…I don’t care if you date him”