I spent two weekends out of town (Miami and the cruise) and when I came back, I just felt “blah”. Melancholy may be the best way to describe it. Or maybe just disinterested in my current life. Bored with its current path, and wishing I could do something else, be somewhere else.
I wallowed in this angst for a while. I did a lot of sleeping. You know you are depressed when you see its 7PM and think its a good time to go to bed. Sitting in front of the tv or the computer night after night just made me more depressed. I wasn’t talking to folks like I usually do. All I did was go to work and go home. Oh and post on Twitter.
I had to do something different. All the wallowing in self-pity was not doing anything for me, except bring me down even lower. I dont need it.
I pulled out some books. First, let me say, I think self-help books are a good thing, provided its what you need to read/hear. In my case, I pulled out a book that told me “Dont let anyone steal your joy; you are responsible for your own fate; love yourself no matter what & nobody can take that from you; you are worth it.” Its what I needed at that particular time.
I also went back to an old affirmation that a college mentor used to tell us all the time: “I’m a worthwhile woman and I deserve to be loved and respected”. And that’s true. I had forgotten that. Or maybe I hadn’t forgotten, as so much as I had let other things push it to the backburner.
Overall, after contemplation and a talk with myself, I realized that I have been letting my fears get me stuck. I couldn’t move forward, but I couldn’t move back. I couldn’t branch out and do something new because I was scared. But I knew that the old ways weren’t working for me. Being stagnant is not possible, I have to progress forward. It will be scary, but I have to press on.
So I’m pressing forward. I’m trying new things. First up, Hot Yoga. There’s a place near my apartment, and I’ve been wanting to go, but my fear of being the biggest person in the room held me back. No more, I’m going to the beginner class on Saturday. Next, I’m taking a golf class. I’ve always wanted to learn, and will both keep me busy and make me more active. It starts next month. And I’m going to take a bellydancing class too, that’s another thing I wanted to do, but didn’t want to do it alone. For years I’ve proclaimed that I was so independent, and its like I’ve regressed, and I can’t do anything or go anywhere alone, so I dont do anything or go anywhere. But not anymore.
I also want to take an art class, but they dont start until the summer.
And I’ve gotten serious about my health & fitness. I know what to do, but I’m afraid to reach my goal. Mostly because then I won’t have a crutch anymore. I can’t rest on that anymore, I have to just do it.
So far I feel good and excited about my plans. I’ll keep you posted on how everything works out.