Feeling Like I Wasted Too Much Time

Over the past week, I was engrossed in a new book – Michele Grant’s Heard It All Before. This isn’t a “new” book, but it was new to me and I finally got around to reading it. The book is about the various challenges that two friends face in their love lives. If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend it.

As I was reading the book, I started thinking about relationship timelines & the past 2 years of my dating life. In the book, one of the characters meets a guy, cohabitates with him, gets engaged & then unengaged in a span of a year. While the other main character doesn’t move that fast, within the span of 3 months she was serious with the guy she was dating.

As fast as those characters have moved…my love life has been the exact opposite.

Why is it that I can date a guy for months & months & months…and yet it never becomes serious? What am I doing wrong?

I spent 2009 off & on with DB – waiting for him to choose me to be his one & only, and I didn’t get the resolution I wanted before I left Orlando. My 2010 was spent dating the attorney & hoping praying wishing for him to see how we were already in a relationship in every way but title, & that I am more than awesome enough to be his girlfriend.

I feel like I wasted 2009 & 2010. I really do.

I know that I need to stay in my own relationship lane, and that what is meant for me is already on its way #LoA.But I look around & see so many people in relationships, and I can’t help but wonder “what’s wrong with me? why isn’t there anyone who wants to be in a relationship with me?”

I shouldn’t have to spent a year convincing a guy of how awesome I am. If it takes a year for him to figure it out, that’s a problem. It’s an even bigger problem if he never figures it out. And this what I’ve been dealing with.

I’m bothered that I’m not seen as awesome, at least by the men that I think are awesome. The fact that I’m not seen as awesome makes me feel like a failure, honestly. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.

Why is it that I am so willing to spend/waste so much time trying to convince a guy that I”m good enough for him? I wasn’t this way when I was younger – I was quick to move onto the next if it wasn’t working out or it seemed like a guy wasn’t into me. Somehow, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more fearful & more invested in proving to people that I”m “good enough” – to be loved, to be special, to be successful, to be their friend, etc. I was so fearless & willing to follow my own path just a few years ago; and now I feel paralyzed by this need to be accepted by people who shouldn’t matter, & who really don’t give a fuck about me at all.

Why am I so invested in what other people, especially men, think of me?

  • Kjen

    Has there been particular traumatic events that have happened to you in the past few years? Or have you felt like “less than” in any other area of your life – job,family – that may be spilling over into your love life?
    But in a way, I think the why is¬†beside the point now. Do you feel like you can change your dating habits? Give yourself limits – hard –¬†with how much time you are willing to spend to someone who does not reciprocate, trusting that with enough dating encounters you will meet someone is crazy about you.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve felt less-than in my career, but its much easier for me to “stay in my lane” with my career than in my love life. So far I’ve made changes in my dating habits, starting with not dating at all. Taking a break is something I haven’t done in a long time.

  • Anonymous

    I feel your pain, as I know it all too well. I hope that you get back around to your “quick to move on” ways and not dwell in this stage too long. Don’t be like me and wait until you get 40 to have the “come correct” attitude. I’m happy that I am that way and am no longer willing to put up with not only bullshit, but trying to stick it out with men I really don’t like. I just wish I would have done this sooner, like when I had more options! LOL

    But seriously, you’ve wasted two years, don’t add to that and waste anymore. I won’t even tell you how many I wasted. Damn shame!