Over the past week, I was engrossed in a new book – Michele Grant’s Heard It All Before. This isn’t a “new” book, but it was new to me and I finally got around to reading it. The book is about the various challenges that two friends face in their love lives. If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend it.
As I was reading the book, I started thinking about relationship timelines & the past 2 years of my dating life. In the book, one of the characters meets a guy, cohabitates with him, gets engaged & then unengaged in a span of a year. While the other main character doesn’t move that fast, within the span of 3 months she was serious with the guy she was dating.
As fast as those characters have moved…my love life has been the exact opposite.
Why is it that I can date a guy for months & months & months…and yet it never becomes serious? What am I doing wrong?
I spent 2009 off & on with DB – waiting for him to choose me to be his one & only, and I didn’t get the resolution I wanted before I left Orlando. My 2010 was spent dating the attorney & hoping praying wishing for him to see how we were already in a relationship in every way but title, & that I am more than awesome enough to be his girlfriend.
I feel like I wasted 2009 & 2010. I really do.
I know that I need to stay in my own relationship lane, and that what is meant for me is already on its way #LoA.But I look around & see so many people in relationships, and I can’t help but wonder “what’s wrong with me? why isn’t there anyone who wants to be in a relationship with me?”
I shouldn’t have to spent a year convincing a guy of how awesome I am. If it takes a year for him to figure it out, that’s a problem. It’s an even bigger problem if he never figures it out. And this what I’ve been dealing with.
I’m bothered that I’m not seen as awesome, at least by the men that I think are awesome. The fact that I’m not seen as awesome makes me feel like a failure, honestly. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.
Why is it that I am so willing to spend/waste so much time trying to convince a guy that I”m good enough for him? I wasn’t this way when I was younger – I was quick to move onto the next if it wasn’t working out or it seemed like a guy wasn’t into me. Somehow, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more fearful & more invested in proving to people that I”m “good enough” – to be loved, to be special, to be successful, to be their friend, etc. I was so fearless & willing to follow my own path just a few years ago; and now I feel paralyzed by this need to be accepted by people who shouldn’t matter, & who really don’t give a fuck about me at all.
Why am I so invested in what other people, especially men, think of me?