Fuck Winter

I’m a native Midwesterner, so I’m not a stranger to snow. My childhood was filled with snow days, sledding on a big hill in my hometown, and lots of shoveling. It’s not Christmas to me unless the Christmas lights are reflecting off the snow, and I still love that first snow of the season, when it’s all pristine and white. When I moved from Florida back to Minnesota in 2010, I knew what I was getting into…well I thought I did.

This winter has been like no other I’ve ever experienced. Usually winter in Minnesota falls into 2 categories – really cold (below freezing) but not a lot of snow on the ground; or mild temperatures but lots of snow. The crazy winter of 2010, where we got so much snow the Metrodome roof collapsed, fell in the latter category. Generally I can handle either situation, but this winter has been BOTH really cold AND really snowy. Why? That bitch the Polar Vortex.

Really though it’s not the Polar Vortex’s fault. The fault here really lies with climate change. All you Republicans and idiots who deny climate change, yeah, fuck you. Cause I’m living in the proof that it exists. Because the Arctic is warmer much faster than usual, the jet stream that keeps that air circulating in the Arctic has been disrupted, and that allows the air to come down lower – this is the Polar Vortex. As the jet stream moves south, it also moves slower, which is why when the Polar Vortex comes down, it stays around for a week or more. Because Minneapolis is so much more north than any other big city (Chicago, Boston, Detroit, etc) we’re getting the worst of it. This is how we had a huge snowstorm and then the next day the temp went to -30degrees for a HIGH temp. Schools have been closed due to the subzero temps state-wide for the first time in 20 years. Schools have also run out of snow days (really they’ve been subzero temp days but whatever) and are adding to the school calendar to make up instructional time. Cities have parking restrictions cause the snow banks are now so big that emergency trucks can’t get through. Apparently this is the coldest winter since 1978-1979, which means this is the coldest winter in my lifetime. And I’m not here for any of this.

And through all this, I’m going crazy. I thought I could handle this weather, but this new weather pattern with this Arctic air, this I’m not cut out for. I now see that I can’t live in Canada except for the part that’s near Detroit cause the rest of it is too damn cold for me. This is ridiculous. I’m tired tired tired. I’m tired of having to stay in the house. I’m tired of having to put on 8000 layers of clothes and boots before I can go anywhere. I’m tired of driving in the snow & ice. I’m tired of the cold. I’m tired of it all and I KNOW I will not make it if this is how winters will be in Minnesota in the future.

I’ve loved my life here and I would love to stay, but I also know my limits. Right now I want to punch someone in the face just cause I’m so angry, which probably isn’t the smartest thing to do. I need to get somewhere warmer…but of course I struggle because the warm states are also the stupid states. We’ve seen the craziness coming out of Florida, there’s no way I’d ever go back there. Texas is attractive except for the fact that I have a uterus & the legislature thinks they know better than me in terms of what to do with it. I really wanted to move to North Carolina, but there current legislative shenanigans have left a bad taste in my mouth. I detest Georgia but that might be our best option considering all the connections that WHM and I have to Atlanta.

All I know is, I have to get out of this cold before I commit a crime. If I do, I’m pleading insanity due to weather terrorism.

Fuck winter, fuck snow, fuck cold, fuck ice, fuck the Polar Vortex, fuck climate change, and fuck the assholes who don’t believe its real.

  • CurvyJones

    Aw boo! I hope it warms up soon and that you find a place you LOVE, not just ‘can put up with’. The amount of people I come into contact with that hate GA but live here anyway… I feel like you, I wanna punch ’em in the mouth. Please feel free to exit the state!