Ever feel “off”?
Nothing in particular is wrong. You aren’t sick. You aren’t depressed. Not even really sad or melancholy. You aren’t anxious. There’s no one thing in your life that you can point to & say “yeah this is what is screwing me up”.
But you just know you ain’t right.
Your spirit isn’t right.
You aren’t settled. At peace. Neutral.
That’s been me lately.
I got over my modest depressive state earlier this year, but I never really got back to my normal state. I slid into the state of “good enough” – functioning, able to have fun & participate in my life, but feeling like I wasn’t right. Wasn’t sure what to do about it, because I wasn’t sure what was wrong.
I was flummoxed.
I was going about my daily life, hoping that I’d get back to where I needed to be, when I read something that made me realize what was wrong.
I’m not right, I’m not where I need to be, because I haven’t been my authentic self.
One of my absolute favorite books of all time is The Four Agreements. I read this book in college, and I try to re-read it frequently, to help keep me on the path I need to be on. I haven’t read it in a while, over a year ago. Yeah I blogged about it last August but I didn’t actually pick it up again.
I was moved to pick it up today and I immediately realized what was wrong – I’ve reverted to my unenlightened self. I’ve fallen back to those agreements of my earlier life, I’ve taken what people say to & about me way too personally, and I’ve used all that as a barometer to judge my self-worth. And I hate it. I hate hate hate it.
I’ve been consumed with other people’s opinions. About all kinds of random things. I’ve worried about if people like my writing, or my blog, or why my hits & my comments fell off. I’ve worried about the state of my love life, and I took the rejection from the attorney very hard, because I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him…or anybody else. I’ve felt like I’m not good enough at work, in my personal life, and it has been very trying. My head knows that I am more than good enough, that I am part of the Divine & therefore I cannot fail & what is meant to be mine will be mine. My spirit has just been caught in an unhealthy place and it took me a while to figure out what was wrong & why it was there.
Now that I know what is wrong, I’m committed to getting back to where I need to be. A place where I’m truly happy, that I enjoy my life, and where I live my life on my terms.