So what did I know that I was gonna do? Well I’m gonna tell you….I fell for someone who was already taken. I know, I know, I shouldn’t have done it. I can’t even say that I tried to keep my distance, mostly because its very rare to find someone that you are totally on the same page with, and I was simply craving that type of connection. Maybe I had this delusion that everything would up end like a fairy tale for me, but now that delusion is gone. And now I’m left feeling like such a loser who made this whole thing up in her head, is probably what really happened.
I hate that I’m like this. Some days I wake up and I feel so good about my life, I’m happy and I feel like my life is the greatest it could possibly be. But today is not one of those days, today I’m falling for that Jedi Mind Trick which says that I’m nothing unless I have a guy that loves me enough to make me Mrs. Somebody, and it sucks that I’m falling for it. Its like I’m in the Single Woman’s Matrix, and I’m in desperate need of my Morpheus to wake me up and help me see what is real. I’m so afraid that I’m going to wake up at 35 with everything but a personal life. I know that I keep saying that I’m over my fear of ending up alone, but obviously I’m not. At what point do I TRULY just get my life together and let it all go, because I know that’s the point when the right person will come into my life. Hell, I’ll take the wrong one right now, as long as he’s a cool person to spend time with right now. But there’s only so much alone time that a person can spend with themselves before they start to go a little nuts….maybe that’s it, maybe I’m going a little nuts.
But back to my latest faux pas….Part of me thinks the best thing to do is distance myself now, but the other part hopes that I can be strong enough to continue on with the friendship. But at this moment, I’m not sure.
Going back to man-hiatus sounds like a really good idea…So does becoming a nun on some remote island….or at least moving to a real city.
ETA: In my heart, I am happy for my friend. But I’m sad for me.