My work anniversary, that is…
I’ve survived two years at this crazy place. I’m surprised because I really didn’t think I would make it.
The first year was pretty good. It was a big change, a huge one in fact. A total opposite to the life I knew and the working style I had when I was a lab chemist. The corporate culture was completely different from I was used to, and it took me months to learn to navigate it. I’m still not completely ingrained in the culture, but it’s not as foreign as it once was. After the first year, I felt that making the career change was a good decision.
And then the bottom dropped out. Our manager changed, and my project changed, and suddenly I was thrust in a high-visibility, high-stakes project that was failing miserably, working with a man who only cared that he looked good. There were late nights (though not as late as my coworker – I’m not staying until 9pm for anybody) and early mornings, lots of calls, lots of re-work, and lots of tears on my part. There were several times where I contemplated packing up and walking out. I daydreamed of the day I could tell off my horrible manager and walk out. When layoffs hit my company, I silently prayed I’d be let go, or offered the chance to leave with a package. It was just my luck that my team was in high-demand, not only did we not reduce in numbers, we gained head count.
I looked for a new role, both internally and externally, but didn’t gain any traction. And in the meantime I kept going into work, cause I needed that check. I commiserated with my team, and LM kept me sane and my mind off work. Our project slowly got better, and our manager finally started giving a damn when he realized he wouldn’t be promoted if his entire team hated him. And I learned to not give a damn, and to trust myself. I’m smarter than I give myself credit for, and what I do, it’s not rocket science. I let my manager and the failing project intimidate me, and work was torture until I decided I was done with that.
These last two years have been a great learning, and I’ve been uncomfortable. I’ve been challenged, and I’ve grown from it. While my bank account and paid bills are happy that I’ve remained employed, my heart is heavy, knowing that I’m giving 40+ hours a week my valuable time, instead of pursuing my dreams. I know what I want, but my old friends fear and doubt continue to whisper challenges in my ear, making me hesitant to take the small steps I need to get me closer to my end goal.
It’s easy for me to work on finding a new role, and I will continue to do so. I’m trying to find the strength and courage to pursue my true goals at the same time. My goal is to not celebrate my three-year anniversary with this company, but instead celebrate taking a leap of faith into entrepreneurship. Wish me luck!