Random Relationship Thoughts

My male friends are ruining me & killing my faith in relationships.

Almost every guy that I’m close friends with, is a fucked up boyfriend or husband. A couple of my male friends are leading double lives, and their gfs/wives have NO CLUE about all the dirt they do when they are alone or with their boys.

Their behavior leaves me worried that I will fall in love with a guy who is leading a double life. I take that back, I worry that I will fall in love AGAIN with a guy who is leading a double life. The ex from college, HW, was doing the double life thing until it caught up with him. I do not want to go through that again. It was painful and difficult the first time and it took years for me to take guys seriously again.

I hate to say it, but I think I’m jaded. As much as I lament the lack of love in my life and my desire to be in a relationship, I have too many worries and fears for it to happen. What if he cheats on me? What if he’s secretly gay or gay curious? What if he’s just using me? I can go on and on….my fears about relationships hold me back and keep me from having a relationship.

I long to find a guy who loves me for me and cares for me, but at the same time I’m not willing to put myself out there, not for real. Dates are a joke to me. I dont even take them seriously. Maybe I’m just tired of FL, or FL dudes, or maybe I’m having a quarter-life crisis, I dont know. I just know that my fear of ending up the lonely cat lady is looking like it could be more of a possibility if I dont get my stuff together. But at the same time, I won’t settle. I can’t settle.

Its just that my faith in relationships is just so shot. Folks that I thought had the realest marriage ever are separated. Dudes cheating behind their girls back for years, but still claiming he loves her. A big part of me feels like “whats the point?” I’d just rather be alone than deal with the stress & heartache…and that’s where I am now. Maybe it is better to have loved & lost…

  • Alphanista

    Great post! Never ever let other people’s dumb choices affect our own. Just because they are messed up doesn’t mean that it will happen to you. Live your life. Make some mistakes, live, and learn. That is the beauty of life. Fall in love again. Take risks. Live bold.


    You’ll end up crushed, dry, alone, frigid, and way beyond jaded like so many women.

    Save yourself!


  • Brandon St. Randy

    I wonder what it is about the relationships these guys are in that makes them need something outside of it. And I wonder if they’ve even bothered trying to talk to their mates about whatever it is that isn’t completing them. Cats aren’t so bad. I seem them do cute things all the time lo LOLCatz.

  • Tunde

    yep. it does sound like you are jaded. i don’t blame you though. in the end you are going to HAVE to put yourself out there though. there is no way you are going to find what you are looking for by holding up a guard or having that negative outlook on men and relationships.

    question. do you know of any female friends that cheat on their boyfriends/husbands. the reason i ask is because your post makes it seem like you only think that men cheat. we clearly know that is not the case.

  • Jubilance

    I definitely know that women cheat. I’m moreso concerned about not being able to trust my mate, and since I don’t date women, whether they cheat or not is immaterial to my fears. I’m concerned that I know so many men who find cheating perfectly acceptable and don’t feel any remorse about it.

  • Authentic Educator

    Powerful piece! I totally understand your dilemma. I just got out of a bad relationship not too long ago, and it’s hard! I too am searching for my life partner, and each day I get more & more discouraged. I love your blog! Will be adding you to my blogroll.

  • William H.

    well dayummmmmmmm(oj the juiceman voice)

  • Eskwire

    My dear Jubilance, that’s the funny part about love, in order to find you’re prince, you are going to have to kiss a lot of toads. Wayne really said it best; “men lie, women lie, numbers don’t,” and in the end you’re going to have to learn to let go, and the guy who’s worth you’re time won’t hurt you. I’m sorry if I’m being hella cliche, but thats just the way I feel, because I still believe in love.

  • Jeannie

    Dear Jubes,

    Let go of the fear now. You’ll only become more brittle as you become older.


    A older fossilized single lady. (I’m allergic to cats.)