Repost – I Used To Love Him

I wrote this post last year, and I had forgotten all about it until Lauryn Hill’s “I Used To Love Him” came on my iPod when I was in the car. That song still taps into something deep in me, and it still describes exactly how I feel. Amazing. Since I wrote this post, I still love hard…but I’ve learned to not retreat when love knocks me down – I get up, dust myself off, put a smile on my face, and keep on giving & embracing love. Keeping my heart open despite the hurt I faced last year has been a challenge, but I’m happy that I’ve made progress. Anyway…here’s my post from last year – enjoy…

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wd3n4TjCaJY]

…but now I don’t…

I was driving him from work today…my iPod was on shuffle…and that song came on. I hadn’t heard it in forever…I had to listen to it twice.

This song is ME.

Lyrics:

As I look at what I’ve done
The type of life that I’ve lived
How many things I pray the father will forgive
One situation involved a young man
He was the ocean and I was the sand
He stole my heart like a thief in the night
Dulled my senses blurred my sight

I used to love him but now I don’t
I used to love him but now I don’t

I chose a road of passion and pain
Sacrificed too much and waited in vain
Gave up my power ceased being queen
Addicted to love like the drug of a fiend

Torn and confused wasted and used
Reached the crossroad which path would I choose
Stuck and frustrated I waited, debated
For something to happen that just wasn’t fated
Thought what I wanted was something I needed
When momma said no I just should have heeded
Misled I bled till the poison was gone
And out of the darkness arrived the sweet dawn

I used to love him but now I don’t
I used to love him but now I don’t

Father you saved me and showed me that life
Was much more than being some foolish man’s wife
Showed me that love was respect and devotion
Greater than planets deeper than oceans
My soul was weary but now it’s replenished
Content because that part of my life is finished

I see him sometimes and the look in his eye
Is one of a man who’s lost treasures untold
But my heart is gold I took back my soul
And totally let my creator control
The life which was his to begin with

I used to love him but now I don’t

So many parts of this song speak to me…and about my love life up to this point. Especially Mary’s verse, where she sings about following your passion because you’re addicted to the love…sacrificing your crown for some man…knowing it could be so good, wishing/hoping/praying for it be as good as you know it could be…but its not.

Yeah, that’s been me.

I have a really bad habit of loving hard. I go all in when I feel it, I just dive head-first into the pool of feelings…and sometimes I go in so deep & so fast that I can’t make it out. And then once I do make it out, I refuse to test the waters again. I travel on a pendulum, and I swing from one extreme to the next, and then back again…

I’m tired of that.

Maybe I can wise up & figure this love/relationship thing out.

  • Just Jeannie

    I decided to let go of the past hurts and when I opened myself up to the possibility someone wonderful came along.

    He didn’t come in the package that I would have expected. He showed up somewhere I wouldn’t have thought to look. He is what I need at this point in life but wouldn’t have thought to seek out…

    I hope you find your center and the joy that it can bring. *Hugs*

    • I love that 🙂 Thanks for sharing *hugs*

  • Reason #115 why I need to model after more bad boys & thugs…

    • How did you make that leap in conclusions?

      • Cause I seem to meet women after they get emotionally drained by the dude they have no business being with…

        It pays to be that guy… instead of dealing with women who are already jaded by the last dude

        • *sigh* I think you’re putting 20 on 10 & reading way too much into what I wrote. I never said I was emotionally drained & certainly never said that a man I had no business with did it.

      • And Lauryn Hill does not speak to me… I’ll leave it at that…

      • I probably did read too much into it… So I will concede that point…