I remember when I used to write all the time. I was full of inspiration and I had topics to pontificate on.
Somehow I lost my writing mojo, so I haven’t been writing as much. I’ve stopped in a bit to keep the lights on, but I haven’t lived in this space in a long time.
The other day someone commented to me that I only write when I’m sad or have dating drama, and that I haven’t been writing because I’m happy. I started to protest…but then I realized the comment had a lot of truth to it. I don’t write as much when I’m happy but I write a lot when I’m unhappy. When I’m unhappy and going through things, I work through my feelings and thoughts here, on Black Girl Unlost. I’ve gone through some ugly stuff and shared it here, in my pursuit of growth. It’s easy to share when I’m feeling down cause I’m trying to get the feelings out and get to the other side.
I find it so much harder to share when I’m happy. It feels braggy to me, like “Look at me and how happy I am”. I also never know what to say about my happiness – it’s so weird for me to describe. And then there’s the jinx factor – part of me is still afraid that sharing all the great stuff will cause me to lose them in the end. I don’t want to give power to this silly idea that I can jinx myself by writing about my happiness…but I don’t want to chance it either.
I want to share how happy I am…but if I lose it I don’t know what I will do. I cannot and will not end up alone again. How do I get over my fear so that I can share all the great things that have happened?