It’s Time To Go To Work On This Healthy Lifestyle

Body issues and struggles with my weight are not new to me. I’ve written throughout the years about my desires to lose weight, wear a smaller size, and feel better about my body. I’ve had successes through Weight Watchers and the Primal lifestyle, but each time I’ve fallen off the proverbial wagon and ended up heavier than before.

The time when most women gain lots of weight – pregnancy – is the time that I gained very little. I gained only 25 lbs during my pregnancy, and lost it all within four weeks of giving birth. Since then I’ve been back to my pre-pregnancy weight of 245 lbs, and holding steady. I share that number as because I want to be as transparent as possible about the journey I plan to undertake. See, even though I’ve lost my pregnancy weight, my body has changed in ways that I don’t like. And even though the scale shows the same number, to me, I appear bigger than I did before. Things have shifted, skin has stretched, and I’m left with an image that I don’t like at all. So I have no choice but to fix it through changing my diet and getting back into exercise.

It’s my hope that sharing this publicly will help me stay accountable to my goals, instead of slacking off.

Here’s my plan:

  • Use the Primal Lifestyle as the foundation for my lifestyle change. I’m shooting for 100% adherence which means I’ll end up somewhere around 80%, which is where I was before. Basically this means removing processed foods from my diet, focusing on proteins and healthy fats in my diet, moving more (walking,yoga, etc), and trying to get a decent amount of sleep (may be hard with the baby).
  • Utilizing the gym in my building as well as getting back to yoga classes.
  • Not using “cravings” as an excuse to eat unhealthy things that will derail my efforts.

By far, my biggest challenge is going to be the moving more portion of this plan. I’ve never been much into working out, but I know I need to do it. It’s also going to be hard for me to leave the baby, but I know I need to get more used it. Eating habits have always been easier for me, but it will be challenging with a new baby. Regardless, I’m committed to making changes and becoming more healthy not only for myself, but also for my little one.

I’ll report back soon on how it’s going!

 

Weight Frustrations

One constant thing in my life has been my struggle with my weight, and food. Even at my smallest size, I have struggled with accepting my body and my feelings of inadequacy because of my weight. Over the years, I’ve lost and gained, and worked on accepting myself for where I am in the present moment, with varying success.

In 2010, I lost 50 pounds – I felt so great! Thanks to the Primal lifestyle, the weight fell off pretty easily and quickly. I loved being able to fit into smaller sizes, and my confidence soared. I felt in control and that I had the tools to get me where I wanted, size- and weight-wise. I knew what to do, and I had the motivation of success, but I didn’t stick to what worked before. I went back to my old ways of cheat days and stress eating. I have intermittently gone back to Primal eating, but I have not sustained it.

And that’s how I find myself back at the same point I was in 2010, at my highest weight.

I’m pissed. 100% pissed at myself, because I allowed this to happen. And I really wish that I hadn’t.

5 years ago, I gathered up all my fat clothes, with the exception of 1 pair of jeans, and I gave them all away. Sadly, that pair of jeans fits now. And I’m wishing that I had some of those fat clothes. *sigh*

In a few day, I have an event to attend. I wanted a new dress for said event, so I’ve been looking for new dress for said event. Over the past week, I’ve visited a variety of stores, looking for a dress – from Macy’s to Nordstrom Rack to Kohl’s. I’ve been so frustrated with the lack of acceptable options, I wanted to break down and cry. This shouldn’t be so hard! It’s so discouraging to walk into a store like TJ Maxx and see two sad racks of plus size clothing, most of which is ugly. Even my best destinations like Macy’s were devoid of acceptable options.I finally gave up my search and I’ve decided to wear something I already own.

Nothing makes you want to starve yourself into losing 50 pounds like a shopping trip as a plus size woman.

It shouldn’t be so hard! Why is this so hard???

And really, why did I do this to myself??? *sigh* Starting over is always so hard and I worried I can’t do this yet again. And that worry leads me to making myself feel better with ice cream. I know what I need to do, I know I CAN do it…it’s just the following through part that is the hardest part.

But I have no choice. Because I’m tired of having the same experiences. I’m tired of being unhappy with what I see in the mirror. I want better, so I have no choice but to make it happen.

Randompalooza Vol. 2

How is it the end of May already? I swear 2011 just started yet it’s already summer. Bout fucking time tho.

I started a new knitting project – a purple scarf for my sister. I missed knitting. #goodtimes

Speaking of my sister, she’s coming to visit! She’ll be here in a couple of weeks & I’m really excited about her visit. My sister & I have never done a 1-on-1 visit, whenever she’s come to visit me, my mom has tagged along. And my sister is 21 now so I can take her to the bar #yay.

It’s finally warm in the Mpls, so this weekend I got to be out & super social. Friday night I hit one of my fave lounge spots in NE Mpls, Honey, with my girl SS. I was there about 10 mins when I looked over & saw my friend JJ, who I used to work with in Orlando; funny running into him up here. We caught up & hung out, which was a lot of fun. Saturday night I hit an old school party, which was just ok. I’m just happy that I can be back in the streets again – it was a longass winter & I was tired of being cooped up in the house.

My new fave show is Game of Thrones on HBO. Its based in a fantasy world that’s kind of similar to The Lord of the Rings…but much darker. Very entertaining. The show is based on a book which I hear is really good, so I need to pick that up.

I also need to pick up that new biography of Malcolm X.

Still not dating. I do miss going on dates, especially with the attorney. But it’s for the best. I’m not coming off the bench until I meet a guy who is really worth it and I dont see that happening anytime soon.

I’m convinced that some bloggers post the most outrageous stuff just for hits. I hate that – stand behind what you write, and don’t put fuck shit out into the universe just in the name of blog traffic. Some of yall need more integrity. But the blogging game is a popularity contest, so I’m sure yall will just continue to post bullshit & get praise for it.

I have a new Twitter crush.

I decided that I’m going to Florida for my birthday – I should probably work on booking my flight.

I wish LK was joining me for my birthday 🙁 We haven’t seen each other in over 2 years, and we havent done a birthday trip together since 2009.

I went to have sushi by myself Sunday evening, and I realized that I’m tired of always doing things alone. *sigh* It would be nice to have more company. Someone to do things with.

This weekend I’ll be in Chicago for my good friend’s wedding. I can’t wait, I haven’t been to Chicago in a very long time.

I’ve only been back for a little over a year, and already I see that the social scene in Mpls is too small – everybody knows everybody else. And folks talk too damn much. What happened to minding your biz?

I have officially given up on all the Real Housewives franchises, and shows like it. I can’t take the manufactured drama, the fakeness, the negativity and the delusions of grandeur. Why do these women even sign up for this stuff – is fame (or infamy) really that important?

I still need a new gig. Remember how I had those couple of interviews? My intuition told me that I didn’t want that job, and so I pulled myself out of the process. But I need to get back to the hunt, I need a change. As Maryann Reid would say, I need to create a vacuum.

I took a Law of Attraction class a few weeks ago & I learned so much. Been trying to really incorporate the things I learned into my life.

I don’t understand how some of yall folks are in relationships.

Another one of my friends is getting divorced 🙁 I’ve noticed that the folks I know who are divorcing or unhappy in their marriages, all got married because they thought it was time to settle down. Marriage is a huge decision, you can’t pull the trigger on it just cause everyone else is & you think you have to live by their timeline.

I went down another size. I absolutely have to go shopping because I literally have about 3 pairs of pants to wear to work now, everything else is too big to the point of falling off. Fuck!

Ready to braid my hair up, I’ve been rocking a twistout faithfully since Jan & I’m tired of it.

Does anybody even read this anymore? Say hi or something so that I know I’m not talking to myself #thanks