The subject read – This is long overdue.
I paused before I opened it. 8 months had gone by since the last time we’d spoken. In that last moment, I’d reached my limit. The proverbial camel’s back had been broken by the last straw in our relationship, which was his lack of an iota of give a damn about me. Though I’d taken all I could & would take from him, that did not diminish the pain I felt afterwards. I mourned the loss of him in my life, and suffered through tears, sleepless nights & constant worry that I’d end up an old maid. He went on, life as normal, and soon after had a new girlfriend, which sent me into another state of peril. Eventually my tears dried, I could sleep again, and my worries began to fade. I started getting help. And finally feeling better.
He must have some type of GPS device, something to alert him when I’m happy & well. That’s always when he comes back into my life. This isn’t the first time we’ve done this song & dance. But it’s the last time.
I laid in bed for a while, just thinking. Replaying our history in my mind. Reminding myself that no matter what this email said, that I didn’t need his apology to close the door on not only our relationship, but our friendship. I’d given myself the closure I needed months ago, and there was nothing he could say to me to make me re-open that door.
And so…I tapped my phone & opened the email.
This is way late, but I assumed you didn’t want to hear much after blocking me on Facebook and unfollowing me a while back. Anyway, I apologize for the way I handled things.
If you want to talk, I’m open. If not, take care.
After 8 months of no communication, 6 months of “love” & promises to be together forever, and 8 years of friendship…that’s what he decided to send me, as his way of atoning for his behavior.
He could have kept. In fact, he should have kept it.
After reading that email, and the non-apology it contained, my first thought was “I made the right decision”.
A lot of words can be used to describe him. Accountable is not one of them. See, he’s one of those people who can never take responsibility for their actions or even admit to their fuck ups. Each time we had a conflict that involved my displeasure with his behavior, it always dissolved into him deflecting the attention from his fuck up to something I was doing, which somehow justified or caused his fuck up. There was never a “I did it, my bad, I won’t do it again”, it was always my fault or my issue or I did something similar or not even close to similar so he was justified in whatever bullshit he was doing.
That shit gets old. QUICK.
He could have sent me 2 words – I’m sorry.
Instead he started off his email blaming me for his inability for his lack of apology for 8 months, and for his part in fucking up our relationship & breaking my heart. Apparently I could have gotten that apology months ago if I hadn’t blocked him on FB or unfollowed him on Twitter. Cause you know, it’s totally natural to continue to see tweets & FB status updates from the man who broke your heart, the man who you thought you were gonna marry…cause the man said he wanted to marry you & took you ring shopping. What the fuck was I thinking???
After I read & digested that email, I knew what I needed to do. I needed to find out why he sent it, why he sent it now, why he sent me an email at 4AM and let him know exactly how I felt about his dick apology. And so I asked him if we could Skype, because I needed to say all this to him face-to-face. And so I logged on & faced him for the first time in months. And just as I thought, he couldn’t admit to anything. I can’t say I was surprised. But that wasn’t the goal. The goal was to let him know that I didn’t need the apology. That I’m good without him. And most importantly, he’d never get the chance to hurt me again, in any capacity.
We’ve played this game before. We talk & then we go radio silent. We date & then we don’t.
Not playing that game anymore.
He emailed me because he wanted to play another round.
Too bad for him, I don’t play that game anymore.