Trying To Find Balance Between My Head and My Heart

2006

Theme song: Andre 3000 – “Love Hater”

Love was not kind to me in 2006. I started the year with a new beau, and was so head-over-heels for him. Smart, funny, charming…we could talk for hours, he got my dry humor, we liked the same things. Things were great…until they weren’t. What was cute & charming before was now annoying & difficult. What should have been easy became the hardest thing to do…so he quit. Just walked away, didn’t look back, didn’t even say good-bye. I looked around for him for a while, figured he was just clearing his head & needed some space. Until it was apparent that he had left & he was never coming back. Just when I was putting it behind me & moving on, he showed up – apologetic, contrite, remorseful. Take two seemed like a good idea, would give the soothing that my heart needed…but take two was doomed to fail before it even began. So in a new place, in a new phase of my life, I made a decision – no more feelings, no more getting serious, just keep it light & fun. Kick it, enjoy it, but don’t let anybody get close enough to hurt me.

2007-2010

Theme song: Cameo – “Single Life”

The name of the game was “just have fun” and that’s what I did. So many boys, not enough time…a good amount of dates, even longterm dating situations, but no one earned the “boyfriend” title. A few attempted to get close, but no one made it completely in. Seemed like just what I needed – to enjoy life. Sure I had that “OMG all my friends are getting married or in relationship & I’mma end up an old maid!” freakout, but hey, it happens. There were some great guys & some not-so-great guys, some tears and some smiles, amazing dates & dates that were horrible. Through it all I remained squarely on Team Have-A-Team. I always had a go-to guy for whatever I needed: a guy to take me out, a guy to cuddle with, a guy who stroked my ego, a guy for when I needed some “maintenance”. Life was good, dating was good…but starting to get a little empty.

2010

Theme song: India Arie – “Ready For Love”

Big changes in my life…new job, new state, and now, new feelings. After being happily single for so long, now I wasn’t so happy. What was I missing? I know, a relationship! Something serious. Someone to be there longer than 3 months, who could really see the real me & love me anyway, who I could share my life with. Seems simple enough right? Yeah, I got the rudest awakening ever. I ended the year with more hurt feelings, and maybe more alone than when I started. I went hardcore at two situations, and both ended up completely different than the way I planned or expected.

2011

Theme song: Teedra Moses – “No More Tears”

I look back at my love life, and I see myself as a pendulum, swinging between two drastic extremes. I got my heart broken years ago, and resolved to not let it happen again. I built a SuperMax prison around my heart, with little snipers on the roof & attack dogs & I outlawed any type of emotional connection. “Just have fun” was my personal mantra. And I did…until it wasn’t fun anymore. I grew. I changed. And I realized that with all the fun, I missed the intimacy of having 1 person in your life for the longterm. I missed it. I wanted it. So I tried to make it work. I grasped at various straws, I threw a million darts at the wall hoping something would stick. I daydreamed & planned & fell hard…and then woke up & realized I was out on that island all by my damn self, only it wasn’t an island, it was the Titanic & it was sinking fast. Like being slapped with an open palm, it stung. It hurt. And I really wondered, “is it me? am I doing something wrong? am I unworthy of something that seems to come so easily for so many others?”

After the extremes of the past few years, I want to get off the rollercoaster.

Why is settling somewhere in the middle so difficult for me?

I don’t want to get up on love, emotions, intimacy like I did in the past. But I can’t be the only one in it either, because that’s how I get hurt. I don’t know how to be detached enough so that I don’t fall too hard too fast, while also being open to something serious developing at it’s own pace. I don’t want to give up, but caring (and caring too much for the wrong men) has led me down the wrong path. I want to be open to love & intimacy, but how do I remain detached enough so that if it doesn’t work out, I’m not sobbing into my pillow at night?

Maybe I just let my heart win too much. Time for my head to get some wins.

  • Sometimes you have to just tell your heart “no.”

    Cuz…what I’ve learned? In almost 35 years? Your heart simply isn’t wise. Often. Some love just isn’t wise. And, as my mother told me yeaaaaars ago, “all love ain’t good love.”

    So, knowing that? You make better choices. You might still cry, but they’ll be different tears–tears of “oh, I thought that would be so good! Why can’t I have it?!” which are much shorter lived and much less painful than tears of “how could he hurt me like this? I’m broken!”

    I’m not telling you what I heard.

    There is a balance. There are man who feel good to love and are also wise to love. But you make the decision based on wisdom first, not how your heart feels. It simply isn’t a good reporter.

    • Cyn

      Thanks Tisha!! Needed that one this morning sis.

    • Anonymous

      WOOOOOOOW….

      That was some serious knowledge right there. Thank you so much for sharing that.

  • Tisha pretty much hit the nail on the head with this one. Leading with your heart is only cool in the movies…